I’ve always loved the term, “Unconditional Positive Regard”. It is a way of listening that is taught to professional coaches, counselors, therapists & others in the helping professions. It means that you are only listening for someone’s greatness—listening beyond the fear, anxiety, attitude, defensiveness, hesitation; excuses, rationalizations; beyond the bad behavior & personality quirks; beyond the moment—no matter what comes out of a person’s mouth….you are only listening for awesomeness! Can you imagine?
The way humans usually listen, is we listen with judgment. We listen, locked & loaded; poised & ready to correct, criticize or give advice. It is automatic & reflexive, and we don’t think about it. We naturally listen to others with our own filters–our own stories & fears, our own understanding, expertise, and often a genuine desire to help others.
As a coach, listening with unconditional positive regard means that I am trained to listen to what’s going on below the surface and zero in on a person’s power point, which is buried deep down (it is where all human greatness is stored—deep in the gut, where the still, small voice lives—where your answers and next steps come alive. This is the voice that is so often snuffed out by the noise & rationalizations in our heads and the distractions of daily life. When listening, I can hear where people are stuck & then, by only focusing only on what’s amazing about this person, I help them get unstuck to generate forward momentum. It’s the kind of momentum that can only come from a fire that’s lit from the inside (not the cacophony of other people’s opinions, self-judgments and noise on the outside)
What does listening with “unconditional positive regard” mean for you? It is an opportunity to transform your relationships with the people in your life. To build bridges; to be an objective & powerful listener for someone– to connect & relate to others in a way that might not feel entirely familiar, but practicing this skill is so worth the results. Doing this builds self-confidence in others and inspires authentic motivation.
Unconditional Positive Regard means that no matter how irritable, annoying, frustrating a person is being in that moment (hello teenagers….elderly parents…..spouses….neighbors….clients or colleagues); no matter how unreasonable, baffling or upset–all you are focused on is their greatness.
Wow. That’s big.
If you look back on your own life, the people that have the deepest impact on our lives are the ones that listened to us in this way—the ones that looked past our surface level fears and behavior and saw “us”–the parent or teacher that heard what we couldn’t hear; the mentor that pointed out our strengths; the coach that believed in us, encouraged us & reminded us of our natural talent.
Criticism and condemnation do not transform lives. Love does. Listening does.
This is the truest essence of life coaching. To put your own view aside and be with this other person and see life from their eyes. To see their heart in their words. To listen in this way builds trust & rapport. It builds relationships. It transforms the future. (versus listening to fix, change, counsel, intervene or advise)
Unconditional positive regard…..is listening for greatness. Listening with acceptance. Listening with love. One of the sincerest forms of respect is listening to what another person has to say.
If you have someone in your life that listens to you in this way—you are blessed. I encourage you to have more conversations with them!
If you don’t have someone that listens to you in this way, consider hiring a trained & credentialed life coach!
When you listen for greatness in your family members, friends, and clients, you will build trust that pays dividends for years. Listening in this capacity is a powerful force for changing lives…. including your own!
